i’m forgetting who i am,
i need to find someone who cares.
i want a reason to live,
something to inspire me.
i wish i could appear confident,
while falling apart inside.
i used to do it so well,
but i’m not as strong anymore.
i have thoughts like this everyday,
i wish they could just disappear.
i can’t keep living as if i’m okay.
i don’t want to blend into the crowd so much that i’m hidden,
but i don’t want to stand out for being so different that i’m abnormal.
i just wanna fit. i want to be right.
i hate that my past affects me so much.
but isn’t it normal to hurt from traumatic experiences?
people just don’t understand me.
i don’t think they even try hard enough.
it is as if i’m not even worth the effort.
they might as well find someone new and normal,
instead of spend time getting to know me.
i’m complex and individual and unique.
i used to love those qualities in bg me,
but noone appreciates me.
it has got to the point that i can’t love myself.
i base my life around others.
my self-worth is dependent on what others think of me.
i try so hard to win the approval of my peers,
i lose sight of what is important to me.

(not sure whether it's a poem or not)

This has been my life since September. i thought that once i was at university i would finally make good friends who would care about me and who i could talk to about personal stuff but instead i made loads of friends who slowly went and make their own little cliques and left me with whoever was left over. I stuck with a few close friends and one became my best friend and we spent all our time in her room hanging out or on the phone to each other but she had to leave the country and now i feel like i have noone. I have noone to talk to or to go out with or to hug when i really need to a nice long hug. I am so alone and so sad all of the time. I can't make new friends anymore because it's too late and everyone has their own little group of friends sorted out and don't want newcomers (as i learnt the hard way by befriending a group and then got ditched coz one of the guys didn't like me) and the few i have at the moment don't care about me at all and i feel like they just use me and treat me like i'm inferior to them.

I think i'm having a complete mental breakdown again like in year 11 except that now i don't have anyone to turn to because the best friend i had back then has her own new life at university and can't help me like she used to, my parents are still how they used to be and i have no friends here at university. I'm pretty much screwed and i can't even explain all this stuff to my counsellor coz whenever i go to see him my mind goes blank and i can't explain things properly.

Caz xxxxx